Voices of Purpose #5: Cedric Raver

“Hello Cedric!” I call out. “Thank you for giving me some of your time!” Cedric offers a happy wave as we virtually shake hands. “I would love to talk about how things are going. So how are you? What is going on?”

Cedric smiles. “I’m doing all right. I have the usual existential dread that comes with being a disabled queer trans man in a country that seems to have lost its everloving mind, but I’ve been worse!” Cedric chuckles as he continues. “It’s been a hell of a year. With the upcoming holidays in a pandemic I’m seriously worried about things getting worse. It frustrates me that I’m the only person in the family who keeps a mask on when we have do family gatherings.”

I shake my head sadly as Cedric goes on. “Last Friday I was here helping to pull out Christmas stuff and I was the only person masked up out of six people. My grandmother and her sister do wear one when they leave their cars, so that’s better than nothing. This weekend, they’re out of town for my great aunt’s birthday, so I at least I don’t have to worry.” Cedric shrugs, slightly resigned.

“As for what I’m doing? Lately I’ve been getting back into streaming in a big way! A friend bought me a new game, Phasmophobia. Another friend was staying with me for a few days while he figured out a safe place to go after his living situation became dangerous for him. While he was here, we did some streams together and it was a lot of fun!” He gives me a grin. “He’s a lot more interactive with chat and more charismatic than I am, so it shows promise for when we get a place together.”

I nod and smile. “It sounds like the pandemic is uppermost on your mind, how has dealing with that as well as your transition gone emotionally? Have you had to make major adjustments to your life?”

Cedric sighs and looks directly to my eyes. “I’ve been very proactive in avoiding situations in which I could end up sick, perhaps enough to maybe be called a shut-in. Staying home when my family is holding our weekly dinners unless it’s outside on the deck, avoiding close quarters with what few friends I have in meatspace.”

“I’d love for you to talk about streaming! It seems that you’re putting a lot of effort into growing your channel!” I remark. “Has it been enjoyable? What does streaming mean to you — community involvement, possible platform, work for growth?”

He laughs and gives another grin. “Streaming is … it’s great fun! I’m not always the best at interacting with chat, though I think I’m getting a little better at it. Mostly I stream for fun, but my community is slowly growing. I’ve made some new friends doing it, and really, I would love for it to become my “day job” so to speak.” Cedric’s face animates with joy as he continues. “The people I’ve met through it are great for the most part and I use the LGBTQ+ tag to help draw in more queer folks. Anything I play, I do casually, though my attention can get laser-focused in and I forget to check chat.”

“So,” I say, “it feels like you absolutely love your family even if they’re frustrating. You seem to be very involved in your extended family and that’s terrific support-wise for a transgender person. How has that been through your many challenges?”

Cedric gives me a happy look. “It is! My family is supportive, even if they don’t really understand sometimes. I spent a bit of time this afternoon explaining the difference between bisexual and pansexual to my sister. She looked like she wanted to run screaming into the night when I mentioned neopronouns. Poor thing.” He chuckles at the memory. “My ‘surprise ally’ was my great-aunt, who after divorcing her abusive husband moved to the ‘gay’ section of town sometime in, I think, the 60s or 70s. She’s the strongest person I know” Cedric’s face beams as he thinks of her. “I’m honored to not only know, but be related to her! She apparently watched or is watching I Am Jas, perhaps as a result of me coming out around V-day last year.”

He quickly adds, “That’s not to belittle my grandma and her challenges, or anyone else in the family. I love them all, and they’re doing their best to support me!”

“You mentioned that you grew up in a smaller town” I say. “Has that led to your family’s knowledge levels? But then, they’re willing to try to learn about you and understand as best as they can?”

Cedric shakes his head. “Actually, no. My family is from a state most of the way up the east coast from where we are now! My grandmother and her sister moved here first, then I moved to live with them when I was five… roughly 1993–1994?, Afterward my mom, ex-stepdad, and little twin sisters joined a few years later. My ex-stepdad is now living with his male partner, and currently keeping an eye on my older niece so my sister can have a date night with her husband,” he concludes.

“Very few of my family have repeatedly voted for a man who will not be named here and now. They were under the impression that he would do good things for America.” Grimly he adds, “Bang-up job that one’s done, huh?”

I nod. “Thankfully we don’t have to talk about that dude.”

Cedric’s face mirrors my own. “Yep.”

“So it sounds like your family has been amazingly cosmopolitan and open!” I observe. “That seems so amazing to have people around you that support you like this.”

“Yeah! I’ve become more outspoken about correcting my name and pronouns in recent months, after having a dream that I did it in,” Cedric replies.

I smile. “That sounds like a fantastic thing to dream about!” I then ask, “What does your journey forward look like? How are you feeling about looking forward — is there a good and usable pathway or will this be a difficulty?”

“Hmm…” Cedric muses. “That’s surprisingly hard to answer.” He takes a couple seconds to consider the idea. “I think, right now, the path ahead is very shrouded until I can go elsewhere with better resources.”

He thinks for a couple more seconds and shakes his head. “When it comes down to it, I don’t have a damn clue what I’m doing. I didn’t know we had a LGBT community in our town until my aunt told me that one of her friends founded the local PFLAG chapter! I didn’t know how many of us were here until I joined them. I didn’t know how many trans and nonbinary people lived nearby until I walked in the door of my first trans support meeting and saw a room filled with people both my age and older.” Cedric takes a couple more seconds and focuses his gaze in my eyes. “Thinking about it now bring tears to my eyes, remembering that I’m not alone, no matter how small our community.”

He continues, “I rely heavily on others, because I don’t know what I’m doing, where to go, how to find resources for my transition, et cetera.”

“And your transition itself? Are you able to gather those resources?”

He thinks for a moment and says, “My transition has been… slow, mostly because I don’t want to start T only to have to find a new doctor for it when I’m already stressed from the move and trying to settle in. Right now, my transition is at ‘shaving my head, training my voice, wearing guy clothes, and wearing binders’. I don’t expect to medically transition unless I get some good friends who can hold on to the money for it and pay it for me — being on disability in the US, I’m legally not allowed to hold more than $2000 at any time. Being on disability hinders my ability to save, it covers my monthly bills and only a little extra besides.”

I ask, “How has your mood been as you have negotiated the twin challenges of being disabled and transgender? Streaming I am sure is one way to work through these issues, what other things have you been able to find?”

“It’s been up and down.” Cedric shrugs. “Because I am legally not allowed to save more than $2k, which is about the amount it costs for top surgery. Getting assistance from friends is helpful but beyond that, I’ve been hanging out with friends who help affirm. It’s been challenging through quarantine.”

“In the quiet moments, how do you keep moving forward?” I softly inquire.

He ponders for a second. “I think about the future. I have partners that I want to be together with in person. I have family that helps hold me together. Online friends help him move forward too.”

“Your social life is one of your strengths?” I say.

“Absolutely, and I have a very strong online social life.”

“I’m so happy that you’re able to be so outgoing,” I comment. “Has this always come easy to you? Your network sounds absolutely terrific.”

“I wouldn’t say that it’s always come easily, but I make friends easily!” Cedric responds. “If you present kindly, I consider you a friend! Being outgoing, I am an ambivert — with elements of both types.”

Cats that Cedric and his family takes care of — a friendly group!

I observe, “Your heart is amazingly open to be able to make friends so easily, Cedric. That’s a rare quality.”

“I just — think about how I’d like people to treat me, and it comes easily for me to be able to treat them that way!” Cedric laughs.

I smile with Cedric, sharing his good emotions. “So building a community through Twitch, what’s the hope as it takes shape? Is this someplace for support, friendship, gaming?”

Cedric continues to grin widely. “All of the above, really! I consider all my viewers, to one extent or another, to be friends. Most of them are LGBT of some rainbow-shaded stripe, some are under 18, some are my age or older, but all are friends. I want to have a community with resources to help our older and younger siblings, to play games together, to have a place to go scream into the void when you just need to yell for yelling’s sake, to get support from your friends when you need it.”

“This has been a terrific interview Cedric. I hope for the best for you, for continued good health and for strength as you work through transition and as you build your community!” I respond. “If anyone is interested in seeing Cedric’s Twitch channel, please see https://www.twitch.tv/pardryllgaming.”

“And as far as this series goes, I am so very happy to continue bring you Voices of Purpose. Please feel free to contact me at @SerenaNoelle_ on Twitter or through Discord at Serena#7329. I would love to talk to you as well about your journey, your emotions and the things that you’ve learned as you’ve moved along your path too. And there are so many others that would love to learn about you! Thank you so much for reading!”

(Images credited to and © Cedric Raver, 2020)