Voices of Purpose #4: Felix Deiss

“Hello Felix! I’m so excited to see you here!” I say to my guest. They settle into the chair and I see a big smile framed with a healthy amount of facial hair. “Can I confirm your pronouns first, you prefer ‘they/he’?” Felix nods. “I’m really looking forward to talking with you today! How are you doing and what are you up to?”

Felix takes a deep breath, relaxes, and starts to discuss their life. “I’m doing complicated,” they reflect. “I’m as able to handle things as I have ever been before, well beyond where I’ve been before actually. There is real joy in my life but also so much stress and anxiety around my relationship, the political realities of the US, and COVID. Despite all this stress, I’ve never felt more able to handle the world around me.”

“Lately, I’m working as a therapist, trying not to think about politics all the time.” He pauses for a second. “I’m really praying that my top surgery happens as scheduled!” they remark emphatically. “I’m 5 weeks away from NO BOOBS and just so ready to say goodbye.” They shake their head and continue. “I dream about it most nights now. It’s so crazy to me that simply being able to countdown to that day takes away so much hurt day to day. I’m also putting testosterone gel on my shoulders every day and really seeing myself grow into who I already am, slowly but surely.”

“That sounds so terrific for you Felix!” I say happily. “So, on the subject of finding joy while simultaneously in the space of having stress and anxiety… how do you work through this? How does one cope with these varying emotions?

“The experience of finding joy even while stressed and anxious has been wild, I totally don’t understand the shift. I used to go to bed most nights, even after really good days, thinking about suicide. I was afraid of life because it somehow felt like I just wasn’t cut out for it.” Felix trails off, contemplating. “As soon as I realized I wasn’t a woman those nightly thoughts stopped. I began to feel capable of living.”

Felix pauses for a second, thinking through his thoughts. “This really stood out this week- there was a stressful presidential election and my cat needed emergency surgery. Even sitting in the veterinary ER parking lot, unable to go inside due to health reasons… I remember feeling terrible but also being able to appreciate those feelings as part of the human experience.”

Felix smiles and continues, “My euphoria earlier in the day when I discovered I could make my facial hair visible was a result of living the same life that now had me in tears! I don’t know if pain has ever felt truly worth it before. It was a first I hadn’t known to look for.” They offer me a wry smile to punctuate the point.

“Another place where I’m holding joy and anxiety is around top surgery,” Felix states.

“I would be so excited to hear more about that, Felix,” I say. “What does your surgery mean to you? What emotions have you felt already as you have contemplated your transition to a more male physique, how have you been able to honor your own authenticity and find more of yourself as you go forward?” I inquire.

Their face breaks into a huge grin. “I’m about a month away from my surgery and I am so excited to have a body that feels like mine!” Felix responds excitedly. “I used to not know why I was so uncomfortable, though I knew I hated my boobs. Now it feels very simple and is something I can address. That is empowering beyond belief.”

Felix takes a second to think and says, “And on the other hand, my partner is not ready for the change. I anticipate a really painful moment when we both see my new chest for the first time.” Felix sighs. “I can’t imagine feeling less in sync while I’m bursting with excitement and he’s in mourning.”

I take a deep breath. “I love your sentiment around the idea of ‘it’s so painful to feel joyous about myself and see sadness reflected back at me,’” I tell Felix. “This strikes a huge chord in my own life.”

Felix looks thoughtful. “I’m sorry that the idea of seeing sadness reflected while you are joyous resonated. It is a more painful experience than I would wish on anyone.”

“If you are willing to discuss further,” I venture, “How much have you discussed with your partner how he anticipates he’ll feel following surgery? What does future planning look like in such a situation? Can you tell that he’s almost putting things on hold because of life too? And has he attempted to find a better place for himself as you have been embarking on your journey?”

“In terms of how much I’ve discussed with my partner, I try regularly,” Felix assures me. “We are in couples’ therapy and more than once have tried to discuss the ‘story of my boobs’ or ‘the story of the surgery.’” They take a deep cleansing breath and go on. “I am very afraid of how he will feel, and I think he is too, though he typically copes by avoiding. Right now we’re trying to hold onto the reality that we can’t truly know until we’re there.”

Felix looks back to me and offers me a smile, their face breaking into a lightness I hadn’t seen in a bit. “I am very lucky. The least supportive people in my life have my best interests at heart and can see how much happier I am day-to-day. Even as my partner doesn’t really want to see my sideburns, he wants me to share them and my excitement with everyone else. All this makes it easy to just be proud, though I certainly have moments of guilt because of the pain it causes others.”

“This is especially hard for me now as I begin to really deeply worry that my surgery will be significantly delayed due to COVID. It’s difficult to have the boobs be here but also to know that they’re going away, for both of us. He’s such a love though. When I express doubt and guilt he often reminds me of how important this is to me, even though I know he’d rather I didn’t need the surgery.”

“Your partner sounds like an amazing person Felix, and I’m glad that he is in your life. How are you working through the idea of a possible surgery delay? This sounds like another large burden.”

They give me a worried look. “I live each day with the fear that COVID-19 will delay the surgery. I know I will manage if it does, but I also know it will be heartbreaking and fear that not being able to counter painful feelings with a countdown of the days will take away something that’s really keeping me going. I’m getting more hopeful as the day approaches, it feels so close now.” Felix smiles a bit more at this point as if they are finding thoughts to help buoy themselves up. “I keep imagining next summer, when I really may be able to go topless to a beach and pass as a man. A first! I’ve never wanted anyone to see my body before.”

“I am happy that you’re finding a better place to be as the days move forward, Felix,” I say. “You seem so enthused by this first! I’d love to hear about more of them!”

Felix excitedly says, “There have been other moments like that! Firsts that I hadn’t realized I was missing. For instance, I met up with some other transmasculine folks for a hike a couple weeks ago and honestly felt like I belonged!” He nods his head as I show my elation. “I’ve started wondering if that baseline connection is something that cis women have in a group of other cis women or cis men with other cis men. I guess I don’t know but I’ve never clicked with a group like that before!” Felix smiles even larger. “I feel less lonely than ever before, despite the pandemic.”

“I would enjoy hearing more about this outing Felix! This sounds terrific!” I say.

“The hike was lovely. The coolest part was talking to another nonbinary trans guy about their mental health struggles and how they had melted away following their gender realizations. They are also queer and we were able to connect with the confusion of seeming to be a cis straight woman that everyone reads as queer. I was confused for years that I was not a lesbian,” Felix looks up to the ceiling as they recall their memories.

I nod slowly. “That can be so terrible, not even knowing who you are.”

Felix continued, “I hung out with these folks again recently and I remain really excited to form a community. In fact, I have some hope that my work as a therapist will eventually allow me to support the transgender community as a whole, binary and non-binary, maybe even working towards a community center with a wide variety of spaces and offerings for trans folk. Fingers crossed!” Felix grins as they contemplate the idea.

“Has resolving your issues surrounding gender been a key in your process to going forward in your life?” I inquire.

They chuckle for a couple seconds, then give me a thoughtful pause. “The phrase ‘resolving your issues surrounding gender’ cracks me up because I feel like there is so little resolution!” Another pause, then Felix goes on, “I am moving forward certainly, and feeling so much better and stronger in myself, but I don’t understand any of it. I know I feel so much better using different pronouns. I know I feel euphoric at the first sign of facial hair. I know I will feel free when the boobs are gone.” Felix trails off.

“However, I cannot tell anyone why I feel this way. Why is it deeply crushing for me to live as a woman? I can’t possibly say because honestly I’ve never even come across a definition of gender that satisfies me. I don’t know what it means to be a man or a woman or why I’m infinitely more comfortable now that I’m changing something that seems sort of meaningless about me.”

I nod my head slowly and say quietly, “I very much comprehend the idea of ‘feeling like there is so little resolution’ to gender issues. I also feel like I have such a long way to go. And I really feel very keenly ‘why is it deeply crushing for me to live as a woman-slash-man?’ Especially as I’ve found out the depths as to how people in my life are hurt because I can’t live like that.”

Felix shakes their head and sighs. “Clearly, so full of meaning.” They look me in the eyes and continue, “I grew up in a home that prized difference. We were not Mormon in a largely Mormon state, and my parents named my sisters and I so we could grow up to be ‘Supreme Court Justices or lesbian biker chics.’” Felix laughs at the memories. “Even though I do not understand why I am this way, I am proud to be myself. Even though it goes against social norms… and honestly perhaps in part because it does! There is a video of me at like 2 years old dancing while my grandfather plays piano and singing ‘I am me and I’m here.’ That’s who I want to be.”

Both people smile to each other, thinking through these happy thoughts.

Felix says, “For some reason transitioning lets me be in the world comfortably and fully as myself. I’ve started to really see myself, open and vulnerable, when I look in the mirror. That has been my favorite thing about transitioning.”

“You talked about being a therapist and building a community. Both of those sound very exciting!” I say to Felix.

They smile and nod. “In terms of how this impacts me as a therapist, I have noticed I am in better touch with my emotions, and can connect more authentically with my client’s pain and experiences in sessions. It used to be much more difficult for me to cry with a client, I think because I was afraid to really feel.”

“I’d say I’m very much at the beginning of forming a community. The process is certainly slowed down by COVID. That it is happening at all speaks to some real personal growth though. I am comfortable enough in myself to be vulnerable, to not blame myself when I don’t connect but instead to look for people who I fit with better. I’m hopeful that I will find some real friends in the coming years and as I understand myself better.”

I ask, “And the community center idea? I’d love to see how that goes forward!”

“In terms of working towards this community center project, that is a long way in the future probably. Currently I’m trying to finish my degree so that I can begin the process of seeking licensure as a clinical psychologist. I am thinking about that long-term goal now as I finish my dissertation and look for postdoctoral opportunities. My hope is to be in Chicago for postdoc and gaining LGBTQ experience to be better prepared to meet the needs of the community when I get the opportunity.”

“Thank you so much Felix for this opportunity to learn about you and your journey!” I reply.

“I’ve enjoyed talking with you too, glad to have the opportunity to talk more!” Felix responds. We rise and bump elbows as to custom as we bid each other farewell.

I am especially hopeful to learn about so many other journeys too! Please be sure to contact me on Twitter at @SerenaNoelle_ or on Discord at Serena#7329 so that I can talk with you too! Please be safe during these trying times and thank you for coming to experience another voice of purpose!