Voices of Purpose #3: Valerie Haupt

“Welcome, welcome!” I enthusiastically greet my guest as she settles into her seat. “I’m happy to talk with you today, Valerie!” My guest laughs and smiles as she sees me greet her. “So… how are you? What is going on?”

Valerie’s smile doesn’t waver as she replies, “I’m overall feeling fairly good, although defining why is tricky. I feel conflicting things sometimes — I feel old in some ways and young in others. I feel tired but also excited and energetic. Pretty and ugly. Confident and unsure. But overall, I feel right and set on a path for the first time in a long time, perhaps ever.

“2020 has been challenging for a lot of people, mostly in a scary way I think. I, however, find it not as scary, but definitely a jumble of goals, setbacks, and replacing of routines.”

Valerie pauses for a couple seconds to think and then continues. “I started seriously questioning my gender identity out of the clear blue sky, it feels like, a few days after my 37th birthday. Almost immediately, even though I wasn’t quite sure of my end goal, I started making serious changes. And then I thought more and changed more. Things snowballed as more and more things clicked.”

“11 months later, a lot of things have happened. I lost 70 pounds, have grown out my hair for the entire year, am three sessions in on laser hair removal, and 4 months into HRT. I have replaced almost my entire wardrobe, spent way too much on figuring out makeup, purchased more lotion and hair care products than I ever have in my life, and recently started the first steps in voice training. I assessed my marriage and came to the conclusion it wasn’t working or making either of us happier, and am taking steps towards a divorce.”

“Oh my goodness!” I say. “That’s so huge. You’ve had so many changes going on.”

Valerie nods her head. “That’s the laundry list of actions. How am I feeling? I’m feeling like I have a goal, like I want to see future me.” She takes a deep breath. “Before, I was distracting myself with things and objectives just to mark the time in my life. I bounced from school to job to area of the country, feeling endlessly listless, like something wasn’t clicking and I didn’t know what. I was on medication for depression, I attended various therapy sessions, and I still felt like driving my car off a road almost every week. I had no idea why. I objectively had a very good life — a good job, house, family with two kids — and these intrusive self harm thoughts would come out of nowhere and scare me profoundly.”

She moves her gaze up from her hands to my eyes, fixing me with a determined look. “That’s not to say suddenly everything is easier or better. It’s challenging navigating a divorce and still maintaining the family. I worry about my children and my ex being okay. I have doubts some days.” Valerie shakes her head as I see her think about her path. “Sometimes dysphoria kicks my ass, and I feel like a Frankenstein’s monster made of old me parts and new me parts. Sometimes the thought that it took me this long to figure this out is bittersweet. I’m older now and I think that helps me assess and plan all of this out. But I can’t get my teens, or my twenties, or the better part of my thirties back. That potential me is gone now, and all I can do is correct that for the future.”

It seems almost as if Valerie is snapping back to the here-and-now. She emphatically continues, “I want to see the me two months from now, a year from now, a decade from now. I can take pictures of myself and not cringe all the time. I’m starting to be happy. So has it been a complicated year? You’re absolutely right. But it’s been a good one too.”

I clap my hands, the passion that she shows is so amazing. I remark, “You say that you started questioning your gender ‘out of the clear blue’… wow! Was there any indication of this prior to your late 30s? I’d love to discuss the idea that for some people, gender dysphoria and euphoria isn’t necessarily a ‘I knew since age 4’ thing.”

Valerie muses, “I suppose there were maybe some inklings back in high school, but all I knew back then was that I could be straight or gay, and that’s it. And I didn’t like dudes, so I guess I was straight. I didn’t have any discussion or terms for anything related to gender.” She takes a second to think about the concept further. “The biggest indicator was me thinking about how I would feel living as someone feminine presenting. I have had near zero suicidal ideation for almost a year now. The once or twice it did pop up, my immediate thought was ‘no, that’d be such a waste’. I’ve never had thoughts like that before.”

“I am glad that you have taken these steps to find yourself Valerie. I know that in other situations too that questioning gender is not something that happens purely in childhood. I have spoken with others who report the same thing — not having a vocabulary surrounding personal unease should not limit a person in their adulthood from finding out who they are inside.” I respond.

Valerie takes a second to think about the situation. “I feel bad for old me. 25 years or so of being miserable for no discernible reason. It was like a purgatory.” She sighs. “I remember thinking that sometimes, ‘Is this some kind of limbo/hell/experiment/something?”

“Those are definitely deep thoughts and problematic. You haven’t had them much lately though, have you?” I asked

Valerie smiles. “No, not at all. I think that’s how the dysphoria manifested itself in my case. Even the difficulties I think about now have solutions, paths, etc. So I’d rather take the problem I’ve identified vs the unknown.”

“How has it been being able to identify the problem?” I ask. “Has it been scary contemplating the scope? Or are you almost giddy with the thought that you may finally be able to solve it given enough time?”

Without a moment of hesitation she says, “There was the initial ‘Holy crap this is a big fucking step’ thought but I’ve dealt with big problems before. You break it down and do the things one by one. In fact, very nearby, I have my goals checklist that’s been there since I started.” She looks at me with a big grin. “And that’s exciting! I may still feel like a cobbled-together golem, but I am watching the pieces fit together.”

I laugh. “That is so cool! So you have a checklist because you’re an organized type! It’s been pretty thrilling to be able to see them be checked off one-by-one?”

“Yes, and to keep me on track. One problem down? Alright, what’s next?”

“What have been your best strategies to keep going through the steps of this checklist? Have you run into any doubts or challenges?” I inquire.

“Picture progress has also been immensely helpful,” Valerie answers. “I took several pics during the weight loss phase, and now, every Friday, I take a series of photos in the same poses and measurements to track how things are going. The first few months were fairly repetitive but I can see and objectively note progress. It’s hard to argue that when I’m feeling down!” She gives me a happy look.

“That’s terrific. You’re so meticulous and organized about this and I can tell that it’s helped immensely.”

“I am such a data nerd I’m trying to find a program to make a gif or something and frame up all the face shots centered on the eyes. I think it might make an interesting progress after a year!” she cheers.

I muse, “Much less two, or three…” I see how happy that this line of thought has made her. “Has there been any aspect of this journey that you have had the strongest emotions about? You expressed so many of them in your introduction. Bittersweet, ‘the beginnings of happiness’, ‘complexity’ — which is practically a well of emotions! You talk of challenge, worry, doubt all pretty much lumped on top of one another. You even talked about a life that had a lot of… ennui? Blankness?” I pause for a second, trying to finish out the conceptualization. “You traded it in for a full emotional buffet, even of things you may not have asked for!”

“The overall emotion I feel, I think, is probably relief or freedom. Freeness.” She leans forward and gives me a playful grin. “I’ve figured out and accepted this about me, now everything else is gravy, baby!”

I nod and smile to Valerie and ask, “What doubts do you still wrangle with? Especially this far down a path that you have found this level of happiness and self-validation?”

Valerie looks content as she replies, “That I’ll ever look the way I’d really like. I mean, I do see some things i like, but there’s that nagging. I try to remind myself everyone is nitpicky about themselves in some fashion, though, and that helps. I receive some validation from other people on the servers I’m on, but I’m not sure if they’re just being nice.”

I continue, “So… another point I noticed as you’ve talked and I’m kind of interested about. You mention in many places that you feel a ‘conflict’. All the way from the first to the last points when we started our conversation. Has this conflict and complication been problematic to you on a day-to-day basis, or have you been able to put this aside as best as necessary to deal with your daily existence? Or is it something you are finding that you are thriving under?”

“Hmmm.” She thinks for a couple seconds and replies, “I’d say that it’s not problematic. I guess I’m adapting to it fairly well!” She takes a second more to contemplate and continues, “I used to get very frustrated with any setback that happened. Now, I shrug and try the next thing and fix it up. It’s like riding waves in the Great Lakes. Lots of chop and up and down, but you keep moving forward and you’ll get where you’re going.”

I say quickly, “Has examining your life and dealing with your gender been one of the key changes that has allowed you to adapt in this way? Or have you learned or internalized something else along the pathway? Not to imply or anything, but is this a matter of finding self-love that also has managed to bring with it a self-forgiveness?”

“I think coming to terms with identity helped give me value in myself and yes, I think that means forgiveness. This also means being okay with taking up space. I can ask for things or need things and that’s okay. I’m human after all and a good person, I think, at my core.” Valerie says.

“I think you may honestly be surprised at the number of people who are still closeted who don’t know this, Valerie. I was very mistaken about these concepts for such a long time too.” I tell her. “The secret to unlock may not even be self-awareness… it may just be a person’s capacity to value their emotions, feelings, and entire being. This is almost like a self-awareness but it feels much more encompassing.” I take a second to think about our talk. “What is the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself in the last twelve months?”

Valerie’s face beams with pride. “I think my underestimation of how strong-willed or pigheaded I am— depending on your point of view! I assessed the problem, made goals, took steps for those goals, adjusted as need be. It’s almost insane how much as changed within a year because of that!”

I would like to thank Valerie Haupt for sharing so much of herself and her journey as well. She’s an amazing person! I would love to talk with you about your journey at some point too, please feel free to reach out to me at @SerenaNoelle_ on Twitter or Serena#7329 on Discord. Thank you all for reading and supporting!

(Photos © Serena Jamison, 2020)